How NOT to catch an STD at Walmart

Posted by admin on Thursday Apr 15, 2010 Under Uncategorized

Wherever I go, people stop and talk to me.  Actually, let me be more specific: wherever I go, OLD people stop and talk to me. I don’t know what it is, but for some reason, the elderly feel compelled to strike up a conversation about anything and everything and I guess they think I am interested enough to stop and listen.

To be honest, I don’t usually mind. I just wonder what it is that makes them want to talk to me? Someone once told me that people stop to talk to me because I “always have a dumbass look on (my) face.” Umm, ok? Guess she was just jealous that people see her and want to run in the other direction. ANYWAY…once, I was walking around the mall and I realized that I had a slight smile on my face. I thought to myself “What the hell am I smiling about anyway?” There wasn’t anything in particular that I was happy about (although shopping TOTALLY makes me way happier than normal people), and I realized that it’s better to walk around with a slight smile on your face instead of a constantly pissed-off, constipated, unhappy look like some other people I know (like the person who said I walk around with a dumbass look on my face).

Anyway, today, I went to the Walmeezy for my fill of pure ghetto-ness ’cause it has definitely been a while, and on my way out, the little old lady at the exit zeroed in on me with her “that-girl-looks-like-she-wants-to-hear-me-babble-out-of-my-ass” radar, and I’m not kidding you, I wasn’t even near enough to the exit to LOOK like I was exiting (although I was), when she waved me over and said “And how are YOUUUUUU today?”  As I approached her, I noticed that she had a hole in her shirt near her armpit, which seemed like it extended all the way through to the back.  Her pants were a little dirty, too, and she kinda smelled like poopy.  If it weren’t for her famous blue Walmeezy vest, I honestly would have thought that she may have been a beggar or someone looking for spare change.  Anyway, here is how our conversation went:

Blue Vest: “And how are YOUUUUU today?”

Me: “Oh, I’m doing great, how are you?” as I am inching my way out the door

Blue Vest: “Oh I am doing fantastic. And you look like you’re doing fantastic!  Are you doing good?  You know, sometimes you can have a great day, and when you DO have a great day, you should just enjoy it!  And if you’re having a bad day, sometimes it’s just the people around you who are trying to ruin your day but you shouldn’t let that happen!  That happens to me, even here, but I don’t let it get to me.  I used to let it get to me but you can’t do that, remember I said that?  It’s just crazy, CRAZY!”

Me: “Oh, yeah…I totally know wha….” Blue Vest cuts me off.  I continue to count the number of people who have sneaked past me and made their exit.  Seven….eight….twelve.  Dear God, please have someone call her over the store intercom for any reason, ANY reason at all.

Blue Vest: “Right!  Just last week, I was feeling so sick, sicker than a dog and a I couldn’t even get out of bed, but I had to work because I need the money.  Who doesn’t need money these days, right?  Well, I figured I can make it a good day or a bad day, it’s really my choice, so I decided to make it a good day.  Then I realized that I probably got sick because of all the people around me who don’t wash their hands, who sneeze without covering their mouths, who cough all over me – it’s terrible!  I’m feeling better though, and now I’m back to having good days because I want to have good days.”

Me: Oh, good thing you’re feeling better!”  How can she blame others for getting her sick when she clearly doesn’t wipe her ass well enough?  And OMG, the more she talks, the more I know that I’m totally catching the HERP and/or the CLAP that is probably seeping out of her pores.  Dammit, I have to pee.  Now I’m picturing her peeing, and not wiping.  Oh dear God, pleeeease send someone over to ram my hip with their cart so that I can leave this valley of the shadow of death…

Blue Vest: “Yeah, I am feeling better!  It’s important to take care of yourself, especially when y–”

And then it happened.  Another Walmeezy employee got her attention to ask her about who knows what and I made a dash for it.  I was freeeeee!!

BUT!

Not before the Blue Vest yelled out “Have a great day, and thanks for shopping at Walmeezy!”

: Shudder :

The moral of this story is four-fold:

1. Do not shop at Walmeezy, unless you feel like subjecting yourself to the underbelly of the underbelly of society

2. Wipe your ass so you don’t smell like poopy.

3.  Yes, you CAN catch Chlamydia just by talking to someone.

4.  Never NEVER leave your house for anything.  Ever.   Especially if it involves talking to old people.  Don’t do it.

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