Lamenting…sorta…

Posted by admin on Wednesday Mar 31, 2010 Under Uncategorized

So, I turn 30 tomorrow.

APRIL FOOL’S! (no seriously, my birthday is on April Fool’s day)

I was fine with the fact that I am turning 30 – it really doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me because I honestly feel like I am still 5 years old.  I attribute that mostly to my students.  They are at such a great age where everything in life is awesome and they’ve got like a 10 second rebound from getting their feelings hurt to being ready to play again.  I love them – they inspire me everyday!

But today….today I realized that I’m turning 30.  It feels old to me, mostly because there’s so much that I feel like I still need to do!  Most importantly, I feel like I’m getting too old to have kids – I know, lame right?  But ever since all of this bullshit, I am scared to even think about it!  Sure, I want it one day, but I feel like there is so much I need to do to get myself emotionally and physically ready for it.  I mean, there are still times when some stupid stuff happens and I think to myself “It’s a good thing I don’t have a kid, otherwise this would be really hard.”  But then I always think that if I had a kid at that time, I’d be able to look at them and think to myself that I can get through anything because I have them.  A good friend of mine who is kinda going through the same thing always reminds me that it is in God’s time and I shouldn’t rush.  I am becoming more and more determined to prove my doctors wrong and I know that one day I will have a child with my husband, who is my rock and my best friend.  I want to give him a kid so that we can both see a little piece of him walking around one day.  I know it’ll happen, and although I get down about it, I’m determined that it will happen one day :)

Aside from that, I realized that I want to travel so much more.  I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to go ANYWHERE in Europe, but I want to go back to Cancun, visit family in Hawaii and the Philippines, and basically I just want to do that all with the hubbs.  However, I’ve developed this totally irrational fear of flying.  I know, I shouldn’t even have an irrational fear of flying because I’ve always been on flights that have been so totally uneventful that I am bored to the point of tears.  What I am afraid of is….ready for it….being stuck inside a vessel where I am smelling people’s bodily gases.  That’s right, I’m terrified of smelling people’s farts while being a million feet up in the air!  Do you know how totally gross that is?  I would totally travel with a mask on, but I don’t want people to shun me and think I have SARS (but then again, maybe that would work).  On our way back from New York this past December, I sat with my husband to the left of me and some stinky ass mofo who took off his damn shoes.  What the fuck, right?!?!?  Hubby talked me out of jumping from the plane, but when that fool decided to put his foot up on his knee I almost stabbed him with my spork.  I started thinking of his smelly sock (actually, I couldn’t smell anything at all, but I was imagining what the smell would be like if I could), and then I thought of his sweaty shoe making his sock sweaty, and then I thought about how much worse his foot would be because it is covered by a sweaty sock, and then I thought about stabbing him again with my spork.  I couldn’t believe he was being so rude!  And then…AND THEN!!!  His freakin’ TOE touched my leg!  I just about died.  I made it a point to shift quite noticeably so that he’d realize what a douche he was being, but did he get the hint?  NO.  15 minutes later, he put his shoe back on and I was like “Finally!”, but the only reason he put it back on was to get up to go to the bathroom.  EWWWWWW!  Is he gonna pass in front of me with his butt to me or his ugly bits?  And then I realized that I would have to get up so that he could get out, so I calmed myself down.  Still…see why I have an irrational fear of flying now?

You know what else I wanna do?  I want to own our own home.  I know it’ll happen one day, too, and I’m in no rush to have it happen now, but I’d like for it to happen someday.  I want our girls to have their own backyard so they can run and shit to their heart’s content.  I want to be able to water our lawn with a hose (there’s something so tranquil about doing that).  I want to hire a gardener to plant pretty flowers for our garden – I’d do it myself, but last time I checked to see if I had a green thumb, it was more like a yellow with orange stripes that is quite good at killing plants and flowers, so no thanks.  I want to paint my kitchen the color of a granny smith apple, and I want to paint our living room gray and have huge couches like Amanda Woodward (a.k.a. Heather Locklear) did in Melrose Place (the show from the 90’s, not the super lame imposter they remade last year).  But you know what?  I have all these grand ideas, and yet I realize that I am not responsible enough to own our own home.  This last townhome we moved into last April still looks like we JUST moved in.  I mean, it’s not that bad, but I didn’t bother decorating it or anything because I just wasn’t in the mood to do it.  And now, we’re gonna be moving again this summer, so I figure what’s the point?  When we have our own place, though, I will make sure I give it more of a homey feel (you know, Snoop Dogg posters on the wall, marijuana plants growing in the closet, that sort of thing – JK :)).

Lastly…and this is a completely silly one…but I want to learn how to roller skate.  HAHA!  You weren’t expecting that one, right?  But it’s true, I never knew how to rollerskate.  I can rollerBLADE, but that’s not the same thing.  When I was in elementary school, I was pretty smart (a smart asian, how uncommon), so every month I won a certificate for having good grades, and it was ALWAYS either a certificate to either get a free small frozen yogurt from Heidi’s or a free skating session to Holiday Skate Center.  I went rollerskating a few times, but I hated the feeling of almost falling, so I never let go of  the bar around the rink.  I always felt super lame about it, especially when I would see my friends zoom by.  When I was in 5th grade, I went rollerblading and a twig got jammed in my wheels, I fell forward, and broke my left wrist (if you ever see me, ask me to show you how my left thumb is about 1/8 inch shorter than my right – it stopped growing when it was broken!).  I vowed then and there to never get on rollerblades ever again!  Like I said, I hate that feeling of almost falling, which is why I hate walking in the rain or on electrical grates or uneven pavement – I get so unsure of my footing.  And yet, I still want to know how to rollerskate.

I don’t know why I am thinking that turning 30 automatically means that I won’t be able to do any of these things, but I certainly feel like I’m running out of time for some of them.  People tell me “Oh you’re still so young!” and I guess they’re right, and I’ve heard that apparently when I’m 40 I’ll be wishing I was 30 again, so I guess I’ll just enjoy everything I have already accomplished in my life so far, and thank God for another awesome year in my awesome life :)

Miranda in Miranda’s sight is old gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night, this morning she is thirty. – Ogden Nash

2 Responses to “Lamenting…sorta…”

  1. marci Says:

    you’re back! long time no see :) and the biggest happy birthday ever!

    ps. everything in its time… good things will happen *hugs*

  2. Denise Yezbak Moore Says:

    Happy Birthday Girl! Enjoy being 30! I love you blog!

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