it’s 12:42am

Posted by admin on Friday Aug 17, 2007 Under Uncategorized

i should probably be sleeping, but i can’t sleep.

i hope people aren’t expecting me to get over this anytime soon, ’cause i can tell you right now…it’s not gonna happen.

i have slept probably a total of 17 hours in the last 5 days. that’s no lie. actually, it’s probably less because i wake up multiple times during the night.

i don’t know what hurts worse. the emotional pain of losing our baby, or the physical pain from the procedure that was performed on me that night. that night. 7 hours after i found out that she was gone. that’s not even a full work day. i only had 7 hours to get used to everything.

when i close my eyes, all i see is her on the ultrasound screen. her perfect little body. cute little arms and legs. and all i can hear is the doctor saying:

“right there is where we normally see the heartbeat, and i’m sorry…but we just don’t see it anymore”.

look harder, silly. it’s there. i saw it 3 weeks ago

“see, if i hold the ultrasound wand just like this, we can see that there is no movement of the fetus”

i don’t see it either. we’re both wrong. i know it’s there.

“what are you saying?”

“i’m sorry, we do not have a viable fetus”.

i can’t breathe.

“what?”

“unfortunately, your fetus…”

shut up BITCH! what are you saying?????

“…my BABY…”

“yes. your baby is no longer viable. i’m very sorry. is there someone out in the waiting room who is here with you?”

i’m alone.

“no, i’m alone.”

i was alone when i received the most horrible news of my life. DH would have been there, but we thought this was just another routine doctor visit.

……….

today, i actually left the house. i went to see Shirley Tipsy on her lunch break so I could give her my doctor’s note to give to our boss. then i went to pick up a prescription. i also stopped at costco to pick up some vitamins.

i’m never going out in public again.

i realize i look tore up, alright – Shirley Tipsy can vouch for me. i’ve got bags under my eyes, and they’re red from my constant crying. the procedure that i had (it’s called a D&C) that totally invaded my abdomen has left me in so much pain that i can hardly walk. my lower back is in such severe pain that i can’t even think straight. i’ll save you the TMI on the bleeding, but it’s not pretty.

i got the strangest stares from people at costco.  people can be so rude without knowing they’re being rude. what did they want me to do? maybe if i made a big announcement about what happened before i entered the store, then maybe they would stop staring at me like i was an animal at the zoo and they wouldn’t be scared to be around me. i really didn’t care though.

i had to laugh when i was in the vitamin aisle. i looked like a zombie as i filled my cart with things like calcium, vitamin c, multivitamins, and flaxseed. again people were looking at me, probably wondering to themselves why i needed all these supplements. i looked like shit, and i was buying vitamins. maybe i was strung out and trying to kick my heroin addiction. or maybe i knew a way to combine all these things to make one super drug that i planned to sell to the kids at the elementary school down the street.

right. or maybe my doctor suggested i take all these things to help my body heal faster, and to make sure i’m getting the nutrients i need. stop staring at me.

anyway, i pushed my cart and made my way to the checkout lanes.

did i mention that i’m never going out in public again?

i hate seeing rows of baby clothes hanging there in all their cuteness. i turned my cart the other way so i didn’t have to stare at all the pregnant mommies (there were 3) oogling the clothing. 2 of them were looking at girl clothes. the other was looking at boy clothes.

so anyway, i turned my cart to the right to avoid that, and what aisle did i end up on? the diaper aisle of course. and right next to it were all the warehouse sized cans of baby formula. i wonder which one we would’ve used. the nestle one says it’s as close to breastmilk as you can get, but isn’t Enfamil the one that everyone trusts?

stop looking, angela. keep going. you won’t be needing any of that stuff.

i trudged on. finally, lane 14. why did i choose lane 14?

i dunno. it was closest. it was shortest. the checker seemed fast.

no. i’m lying. i chose it because of the people i’d be standing behind.

a mom with 2 kids – 1 boy and 1 girl. i’d say the boy was about 7. the girl, probably 5.

i just wanted to see what it would be like, that’s all.

school must be starting soon. they were loading fruit snacks, juice boxes, new backpacks, and packs of pencils onto the conveyer belt.

“mom thanks for my new backpack!”

“of course sweetie! you need it, now that you’re a big boy!”

“mommy, i wanna get out of the cart”. she was sitting in the cart.

her mom proceeds to lift her out of the cart, all the while kinda grunting and saying “oh my, you’re getting to be such a big girl now too”. and they looked at each other and smiled.

i almost had a nervous breakdown in the car. i live literally 2 minutes away from costco, but it took me 20 minutes to get home because i had a crying fit in the car and couldn’t drive just yet. my crying started because of the pain i felt in my abdomen from walking at a normal pace (nowadays, normal for me means i have to walk like i’m 90 years old), but it quickly turned to thoughts of our baby, which made me cry even harder.

I want to buy you cute clothing. I want to buy you enormous cans of baby formula. I want to be able to tell you how big you’re getting. I want to buy you a new backpack for school.

I want you, baby.

You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.
You should be here with me and Daddy.

it’s 1:43am. i told you i wouldn’t be getting over this anytime soon, didn’t i?

2 Responses to “it’s 12:42am”

  1. whenwillitbemyturn Says:

    I’m so so sorry.

    I understand what you mean about “wanting to know what it would be like.”

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